


Please Do Not Eat The Weeds

by Bowser_Sourpuss_Bread



Series: Tales From The Garreg Mach School of Peace: My Three Houses Modern AU [2]
Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: #freeFlayn, ...But the former still has some stuff to work out first., Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Canon Disabled Character, Caspar and Linhardt are gay for each other, Dedue is a good friend., Dimitri doesn't react well to it., Dimitri's Therapy Rats, Disability, Disabled Character, Don't let Seteth moderate the Minecraft server!, Gen, Glenn is a chill dude., It's weed., Recreational Drug Use, Stealing that joke from my friend's comments. Love you!, Well his body certainly isn't WARM., Would he be Dimitri if he didn't have issues?, Yes indeed even in this happy AU Dimitri has issues.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:14:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22656850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bowser_Sourpuss_Bread/pseuds/Bowser_Sourpuss_Bread
Summary: The good news is that Dimitri did not eat the weeds. The bad news is that Dimitri ate the weed.
Series: Tales From The Garreg Mach School of Peace: My Three Houses Modern AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1629751
Comments: 8
Kudos: 37





	Please Do Not Eat The Weeds

During midterms and finals, there are more people. Claude knows this. But he continues the bi-weekly schedule anyway. Even though, tonight, it’s just him and Linhardt.

And Claude knows that Linhardt doesn’t need  _ him _ to get weed.

Linhardt is already sprawled out on the bean bag, eyelids flickering. Claude doesn’t like it when it’s just him and Linhardt. Linhardt doesn’t say  _ anything _ when he’s high, and listening to the weird shit that spills out of people’s mouths is half the fun!

And by now, the novelty of Caspar carrying Linhardt away with one hand over his ass has passed. It’s pathetic that Caspar has no idea how gay he is.

It’s just him and Linhardt tonight. Claude looks longingly at the other bean bag. It’s deflated, -Leonie is  _ not _ kind to public property- but it’s better than the cold, hard floor of this abandoned chapel.

Claude is just starting to get as comfortable as he can be when there’s a knock at the door. Seteth must have finally found them out! “Lin!” he hisses. “Hide your shit!” Linhardt snores a little. His eyes flit open, but then they sink back shut.

Fine. Claude isn’t sticking his neck out for him. “Coming!” he hollers.

He opens the door. It’s not Seteth, thankfully. It’s Dimitri. Claude… isn’t quite sure how to feel about that. Claude knows how to deal with Seteth. Once you realize he’s just an overgrown sheltered kid, you can predict his every move. And Seteth, whether he likes it or not, knows that he  _ needs _ Claude. Claude is the only house leader who is good at bringing the whole community together. Edelgard has the Ice Queen trope going on. When she’s in that mode, she is the  _ antithesis _ of a good time. As for Dimitri…

Claude doesn’t know how to deal with Dimitri. There’s always something brewing behind that blue eye. That  _ one _ blue eye. Claude doesn’t trust that it was cancer. Lysithea doesn’t have cancer, but he’s familiar with the  _ defiance _ that comes from survival from her. It’s a darkness, but it’s not a darkness like Marianne’s: a suffocating void. It’s a darkness that Claude has only ever seen on TV, in ridiculous horror flicks or in the primetime news. Claude doesn’t know how to describe it because Dimitri  _ isn’t _ Johnny, and he isn’t a mass murderer. But sometimes, on those bad days, when he dons that overcoat that turns his shadow into a mountain, Claude thinks he could be.

Today isn’t one of those days. Dimitri is dressed in a blue tuxedo. It’s a bright blue: a beacon amongst the darkness. It only draws more attention to the black of his eyepatch, Claude thinks. It reveals Dimitri’s true form. He is not a “wild boar,” as Felix puts it. He is a fawn: frightened, vulnerable, and oh so small. The tuxedo, which should be form-fitting, sags. Claude documents the sharpness of his cheek bones. On the bad days, he supposes Dimitri doesn’t make eating a priority. He wonders if this is what Mercedes, with her rampant mom energy, feels like with everyone. “Hey, man. Come on in.”

Dimitri’s eye is clear, but it flits over Claude’s shoulder. “Is that Linhardt?” Claude doesn’t know why he feels embarrassed in that moment. Maybe it’s that he’s embarrassingly cis-het? Dimitri is too, though. The other’s attention returns to him. “I didn’t know that you are friends.”

“We are tonight!” Linhardt pipes up. He’s floppy. Yeah, he’s done for tonight.

Dimitri seems to think so too. “Are you well, Linhardt? Do you need someone to take you home?”

Linhardt at least has the good sense not to engage with that line of questioning. Claude places himself between them. “He will be, once he gets to bed. I’ll call Caspar in a bit.” The other teen nods. That Linhardt von Hevring is incredibly gay for Caspar von Bergliez is no secret. The only one who seems oblivious is Caspar himself. Although if what Claude has heard through the grapevine is true, perhaps it’s not obliviousness but denial. Homophobic family sucks. “But enough about him. What brings you here?”

“Edelgard has something she wants to discuss with you, regarding the next report to the staff.” Ah, yes,  _ that _ . Claude loves being the Meme King of the Golden Deer, but unfortunately, that’s not all the house leaders do. They have to report to the staff of the Garreg Mach School for Peace every month about what they’re doing to prevent the generations of strife across the continent from continuing. No pressure, right?

He can understand why Edelgard sent Dimitri as a messenger. Really, he can. She and him are like oil and water. But Dimitri allows them to mix. Claude knows that Edelgard sees what he sees in Dimitri too. Plus, it’s a clever way to keep Dimitri in the loop, since he is sometimes… unable to come.

Clever Edelgard. “What did Edelgard wanna talk to me about?”

“She would like to request adult presence on the Minecraft server.”

Oh no. Oh  _ hell _ no. The server is the one place where Flayn can be her gamer self. If Seteth showed up, -and Claude knows the Headmistress would pick Seteth- the griefers would be down their best operative.

Evil Edelgard. She’s already had time to twist Dimitri to her side, even though Dimitri doesn’t care! He’s not in the server! He’s not even really in his house’s Discord!

But Claude is something Edelgard is not: charming. “Let’s talk about this, K? You and me.” He grabs the plate of brownies that he and Linhardt prepared for Caspar. Caspar won’t mind if Dimitri takes a few, right? After Claude assures Dimitri of such, he sets about setting the record straight…

* * *

Caspar won’t mind that Dimitri took them all, right? Well, he would… if Claude doesn’t tell him that Linhardt ate them all. Caspar won’t get mad at Linhardt.

Speaking of Linhardt, it looks like he’s having a good trip. “Pass me one of those weed brownies, will ya?”

“The weed brownies are all we have.”

Well, that’s more for him, and he’ll contact the others if they want any-  _ Wait. _ “We have  _ no _ regular brownies?”

“We only had a few left, and Caspar finished them off last week.”

Oh. Oh no. “Call Caspar for me, OK? Bye..!”

The chapel is across campus from the dorms, and it isn’t like Dimitri  _ isn’t _ a creature of the night, but the road from the abandoned chapel to campus proper is, well, abandoned. It’s rocky and steep and really not suitable for  _ anyone _ when they’re high, but that’s what makes it perfect.

Except in this circumstance, Claude supposes, but normally, the people who come  _ know _ what they’re signing up for.

The housing for the faculty -plus Cyril and Flayn- overlooks, as Headmistress Rhea calls it, “The Triangle of Unity.” Claude remembers the whole spiel from orientation: “The Triangle of Unity represents what we all hope to be the future of Fodlan. The buildings all face each other, and in the center is a public green space. Maintaining that green space is the responsibility of all three houses.”

Well, that was the theory, anyway. In practice, there are a good many students who don’t like to go outside, and Dedue can’t stand to let a garden wither.

Claude freezes in front of the Blue Lions dorm.  _ Dedue. _ It wasn’t like he  _ forgot _ Dimitri has a roommate, -most students do- it’s just that Dedue… isn’t quite a roommate. He’s never seen Dedue by himself, for one. Dimitri is always hovering in the background, orbiting him like Dedue is a planet. And Dedue looks at him like he’s a lost duckling.

That’s not normal roommate stuff. Granted, he knows Dimitri isn’t normal stuff. The guy has been beaten up by the goddess’ plan or whatever, even if the eye cancer thing isn’t true, and he beats himself up enough. Dedue, it seems, is sometimes Dimitri’s bodyguard -rather, the one protecting everyone else from Dimitri.

Claude will never forget Dimitri’s slaughter at the snake nest. “KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM!” he’d screamed. The hatchlings had screeched, and the eggs just splattered. That was a  _ very _ bad day.

Dedue answers the door. Dedue is a true mountain of a man. No shadowplay needed here. But whereas Dimitri is a volcano, volatile, Dedue is a dome: watchful, in repose, having contained the magma within. Dedue will keep him safe, right?

“I was wondering when you would come to claim responsibility,” Dedue rumbles.

Claude senses that this is his test of worthiness, but all he can do is nod numbly and try to explain. “It was a mistake, honestly. I thought they were regular brownies. Then Lin told me we were out of those-”

Oh? That’s an… interesting response to Linhardt’s name. Claude catalogs it for later.

“Am I correct in assuming that the brownies His Highness did consume contains marijuana?”

Claude’s brow furrows. “What else would it contain?”

But Dedue continues without answering his question. “His Highness has never consumed marijuana before-” Claude has to contain a snort.  _ Of course _ he hasn’t. “-and as a result, he does not have a tolerance for the substance. I do not have experience in this domain. Do you?” And that’s not a question. Not really. Because of course Claude has “experience in the weed domain.” But this too is a test. Claude reserves the right to remain silent. “Thus, I must insist that you remain to assist His Highness in recovery.”

And, yeah, Claude deserves it. He’ll text Edelgard that he talked with Dimitri, and then his evening is free. Er,  _ was _ free. But… “Do ya want me to grab Lin too?”

The magma underneath the mountain of Dedue stirs. “No,” he booms. “Linhardt is a useless lump.”

And, wow, does Claude  _ not _ agree. Linhardt is a lazy bastard, but the dude is  _ smart _ . Who else is smart enough to convince their crush to carry them around at their beck and call? Besides, the class rank is there to see, and everyone knows Linhardt isn’t trying. Still… He has to agree that Linhardt wouldn’t be of much help here, and he doesn’t want to get poor Caspar involved. The sweet summer child just thinks he and Lin… What did Lin say? “Share cologne.”

“So… Where is he?”

Dedue steps away from the doorframe. Claude peers into the room. A soft lamp from Dedue’s desk is the only light source. The windows are shut, curtains drawn, casting the potted plants hanging from ceiling shelves as clouds in the sky, making shadows against the walls, where books are meticulously organized with hand-written labels that are decidedly not Dimitri’s, leading all the way to a corner with a huge rat cage.

Claude knows about the rats. Apparently, the reason that Dimitri went on the snake-killing spree was that he was afraid that the snakes would eat the rats. From halfway across campus. Getting up the stairs. Getting under the door frame. Slithering through the bars of the rat cage. Or climbing up his body to get to them, where they peek out of the overcoat on bad days.

Facing the rat cage is a bed, sheets ripped off and bundled together to make a nest. Wait, no. The sheets are on the floor. What is around Dimitri is the overcoat.

Damn. He’s made this a bad day.

“Your Highness?” the retainer says. “Claude von Riegan is here.” And damn, did he really have to use his full name? Now Claude really feels like he’s in trouble.

Dimitri does not respond.

“Uh… Is he..?”

Dedue cuts him off. “Do not touch him. Do not give him access to anything sharp. Do not let him leave the room. Do talk to him.” After that flurry of commands… “I will return shortly.”

“Wait-”

But Dedue is already gone. He has left him alone. With Dimitri. On a bad day.

And neither of them know what the  _ fuck _ a high Dimitri does. Still, Claude trusts Dedue’s orders. Dedue isn’t Hubert. He wouldn’t specifically put him in danger. Thank the goddess that Dedue isn’t Hubert, or else he already would have been dead.

Claude creeps over to the furred mass that is high Dimitri. “Hey, man…”

Dimitri looks past him. Oh no. “I am doing my best, Glenn.”

First of all, Glenn is a lame name. Second of all, who is Glenn? Claude hopes Glenn is a chill dude because with Dimitri… doing stuff, Dimitri needs to chill out. “Cool. Thanks, man.”

“I think she’s moved on from you.” Uh… OK? Glenn is a cool dude who is  _ not _ creepy and possessive, Claude hopes. “I know you’re angry.” Never mind! Glenn is not a cool dude! “It has been four years, and she has forgotten.”

The door creaks open. Claude whips around. In the moment, he isn’t sure who he’s trying to protect: Dimitri or the unfortunate soul on the other side of the door.

Oh. It’s Dedue. Dedue can handle himself. “Have you heard of the Tragedy of Duscur?”

Of course. It blew up all over the news because, uh, people got blown up. A lot of people. A lot of people in and close to the royal family. But not Dimitri. Claude nods.

“Expect to hear a lot more about the Tragedy of Duscur.” Oh, Claude has heard  _ enough _ about the Tragedy of Duscur, and he suspects Dedue has too, with all the racist bullshit swirling around.

Dedue walks over to Dimitri’s bedside. Claude realizes that he is holding a cup, one that looks comically small in his hands. “Tea?”

At the sound of his question, Dimitri whips his head away, clamping his mouth shut.

With a sad sigh, Dedue sets the cup of tea on his desk. “Yes. Chamomile. His Highness’ favorite. Except when he is talking to the ghosts. He says he needs to stay awake for them.”

Oh, so Glenn is a  _ dead _ creepy, possessive dude. Claude gets another flash of flipping through the channels: the little boy saying “I see dead people.”

“Get him his rats.”

“What?”

“Take out His Highness’ rats and put them on his bed.” And Claude doesn’t love rats, but he doesn’t want them to get hurt. They’re so small, and the darkness and the overcoat makes Dimitri look so big. But Claude wonders if it’s perhaps a choice between him getting hurt and the rats getting hurt, and he makes his decision.

The rats start crawling all over the bed, sniffling at the disheveled sheets and nibbling at strands of blonde hair. Then, all at once, they’re on Dimitri.

The shadows peel off of him, and he is a fawn again.

Claude looks to Dedue. Did he do it right? Dedue nods. “Did you know that His Highness named his rats after you?” Dimitri is a creepy, possessive dude as well!? Dedue shakes his head. “You plural,” he clarifies. “My native tongue does not have such a confusing vagueness. His Highness named each of his rats for those who will herald the future of Fodlan.”

“Well, there are a lot of people in Fodlan, and I only see three rats.”

A soft smile graces Dedue’s lips, and it astonishes Claude, especially since Dimitri is murmuring nonsense about the dead seeing through his eye. “There are three house leaders.”

“One of those rats is named Claude!?” The white rat turns around. “Is that one mine!?”

“No, that is the one named for Edelgard: Determination.” Yeah, that sounds about right. “The one named for you is the brown rat, Felicity.” Sure enough, there is a brown rat, and it is snuggling against Dimitri’s cheek… and sniffling the eyepatch.

“Felicity?”

“His Highness knew Edelgard as a child, but you were a complete mystery to him, so I did some research on you-” And, yeah, Claude isn’t surprised. Being a retainer breeds creepiness. Thank goodness he has Hilda. “-and he decided that the most appropriate name was Felicity: happiness but also having roots in  _ fides _ , meaning loyalty.”

“And the black one?”

“Hope. Representing His Highness himself. His Highness hopes that, with the help of this school, there will never be another Tragedy of Duscur.” Hope seems unsteady on its feet, and Determination and Felicity barrel over it, undeterred. Claude marvels at how wrong Dimitri is.


End file.
